Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
