I want to have your abortion
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
