This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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