Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
