no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
