I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
