I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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