soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
