I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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