sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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