since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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