I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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