Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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