If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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