Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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