Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
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The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Let's paint friendship bongs
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
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All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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