hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
