I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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