I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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