I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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