john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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