Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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