Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
