Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
