How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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