just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
