I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
