It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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