Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
