So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
