i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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