Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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