I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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