Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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