I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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