You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
