she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
