the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
