Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
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Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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