Already got asked if we're dating
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
