please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
