More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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