I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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