Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
