Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
