oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
