My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
