Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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