Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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