shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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