Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
