FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
