one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
His hands were made for my vagina.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm like, not good at living.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
