hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize