just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
