Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
These tits shall not be calmed
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
