I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
