I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
