Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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