Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im holly from the hills drunk
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
