3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
